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He advises newbies to introduce themselves, to jump into the chat and start talking."When someone gets to know you, they might add you to their (friend) list," he says. I know people who do that all the time, but they don't do it with complete strangers."Kirk has been a member for almost four years, and rarely has cybersex anymore.And if you're not willing to make the investment, go to a cam-girl site and pay to play instead.Because I've been an observer but not sexually active online for the past few years, I called up Kirk (not his real name), an administrator in an adults-only webcam community.I've never found that to work."In other words, don't be put off by a tightly knit community where everyone seems to know each other, where the inside jokes and innuendoes fly around as you attempt to introduce yourself.If you're respectful and patient and smart, you'll become a part of it sooner than you think."I enjoy the power trip (of being an admin)," Kirk says, laughing.It could just mean you'd rather engage and relate than zombie-out in front of the television.What people don't realize is that it's hard to find good sex online if you're a woman, and hard to find sex at all if you're a man.

"Often the conversation in the room is pretty superficial, but talking behind the scenes in IM can get more substantive."He does admit to the occasional "wank session," though.most common questions in my e-mail is some variation on this: "How do I find women to have cybersex with? People still seem to believe the internet is full of millions of lonely, socially inept dweebs desperately masturbating with other lonely, socially inept dweebs pretending to be porn stars. Few writers bother to look beyond the fear to find other stories about sex in virtual spaces.And what television news program wants to report on normal people having a great time visiting and flirting and possibly sharing orgasms – normal people who then log off and go about the rest of their normal lives?Throughout our interview, I notice that he often uses the word "play" to describe what people do while in the room.That's not a term often associated with depression or obsession, two conditions in which you forget how to play.

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